You whispered, "Last night was magical. I feel like a kid again, Chrissi", and sounded irresistibly sexy.
"So do I", I replied, smiling. "Thank you for yesterday, and last night. You were incredible. You were just what I needed. I just wanted some time with you ... you're a real gift ... better than Christmas"
We laughed over the fact that the phone had rung a couple of times during the night. We both assumed it had been the hotel staff calling to tell us that other guests had been complaining about the incessant moaning and screaming, but we hadn't answered. It was the first time in years I had a life that no one knew about, not even my children. They had had their fare share over the years, and so had my husband, and now it was my turn. This was good for me for a change, and I knew it.
"You look tired, love", you said softly, slowly rising out of the bed, making your way to the bathroom, looking at me with concern.
"I am. I don't really sleep anymore. Turning 35 is rougher than I thought. Last night was the first I've slept really well in ages", I said with a wry smile. "I think I'm finally losing my marbles."
"How's that?" I followed you out of the bedroom, and walked into the front room of the hotel room, you had a pot of coffee on, and walked behind the hotel bar and offered me a cup, and then sat down with me at the table.
I looked over my coffee at you aand said, "I'm sorry if made you uncomfortable, it was never my inetention, I just got a little overexcited"
You looked desperately unhappy as I said it, a lot less than your age. I felt like a kid again, visiting the one person in the class who didn't want to go steady with me. "I know how hard this time is for you. I'm sorry if I made it harder for you"
"You didn't, love", I said gently, my eyes looking deep into yours, and looked as unhappy as you felt, and as tho I felt so desperately torn that I didn't know what to do about it. "I know I shouldn't say this to you, but we have nothing left to fear. Whatever boundaries we had before, we crossed them, and then some, last night. I won't pretend to be unhappy about it, because I'm not; and, I know deep down inside you're arent either." While you pretended to look calm, I could tell by the look on your face that your heart flipped over as I said it.
"I've missed you Chrissi, and being here with you in this moment, this way, is more than I could ever have asked for, or dreamed. I just... I don't want it to end"
"So, don't let it. Let me stay with you a little while longer. For the past few days, I've missed talking to you, and now here were are together in a room, alone, seeing each other in our most vulnerable moments. And, I honest to God don't know what I'm doing, but I don't regret a moment we've shared thus far."
"Neither do I. I've been feeling like an utter fool, and the biggest pain in my own ass. I try to leave you alone, but I can't. I really thought that I would be able to control myself when I saw you, I thought that maybe you wanted me to leave you alone; but then you kissed me..."
"And now?" I held my breath as I waited.
"I don't know." You looked up at me with the eyes of a cameo and all I wanted to do was kiss you, so I gently eased myself around to th side of the table, and placed my hand under your chin, lifting your face up to mine and kissed you.
"Just take your time. You dont need to make any decisions. Go slow. I'm not going anywhere...... " And then I remembered, with a grin how you wanted to look at the ocean and the stars during the night from a cliff. "Except for Lake Tahoe"
"Now?" You smiled up at me, and brushed your fingers along my face. I really loved being with you.
"Later. I still have to go home and check in with the kids, and pack my clothes. I should have packed something yesterday, but I was so flustered and I didn't want to embarrass myself by picking you up any later than necessary." I blushed and looked down at my feet, and realized how we were both still very naked.
"You don't need to check in. I have already taken care of everything. By the way, you're husband is an ignorant ass. When are you going to leave him and be with me?"
"I am with you, darlin'", I said gently, looking at you as I saw the expression of sadness cover your face. Feeling a slow growing sadness creep over me, I said, "You know how much I want to be with you, lover. We've talked about it so many times. But I don't want to be a fifth wheel, carrying the baggage of old burdens with 4 children in your life. You know I'd give my last breath to be with you, to spend the rest of eternity with you, waking up everyday to your face to fall alseep in your arms every night. I always get the feeling that the timing isn't right, and everything is off. My own doubts cloud my thoughts, leaving myself to think I'm not good enough for you."
Looking up at me, as your eyes became dark with a soft glowing rage, you whispered vehemently through pursed lips, "Wrong answer, lover. Try again."
"But, Letti.. please. I don't want to do this..", and watched as you closed your eyes and shook your head at me, placing your hands over your face. "You are mine, Chrissi, we are one and we belong together, and I don't intend on leaving here without you. Do you understand that? Do you? Understand my motives for being here with you before you continue second guessing yourself. If I didn't want you with me I wouldn't have made the trip to come this far, much less for the other things I have planned"
I lowered my face into my hands as I sat back down as the tears fell silently, as you walked across the room with your back to me, looking out of the window down onto the street, pressing your head against the window.
"Chrissi, look at me...", you said softly from across the room, making your way back over to me. I lifted my head and looked up at you through red streaked eyes. "You're being over-dramatic. There's nothing to be crying over now is there? Seriously think about what you're crying about and then wipe your tears, and get yourself back together." I nodded and wiped my face with my hands and gently smiled at you, and walked over to the sofa. "Our pasts are so similair to one another. I know that's the baggage you're talking about when you speak to me of old burdens, but Chrissi, you need to focus on the present and realize that what was then isn't what's now. Your childhood has embarked the way to too many broken paths, and abuse that can only be described as 'unimaginable'."
I looked down at my hands and just shook my head, then lifted my head back up and said, "But, there's a "but" isn't there? There's always a "but" in situations like this."
Running your hands over your face franctically, you said to me, "You're not listening to me. When are you ever going to stop talking about yourself and worrying so much about the past and listen to me? Me; the one who loves you regardless of the past, or what the unforseen future holds. You always have that way of taking things so small and making them into such huge mishaps, that you can't open your eyes and see what's directly in front of you. Open your eyes, Chrissi. Open them for the first time and see me."
"I've never had anyone love me before. Not like this... and, I'm terrifed I'm going to fuck everything up. And then what?I mean .. that's the part that scares me." I didn't find it odd that I could open up so easily, and found it easy to be honest with you. "We won't have to worry about that part yet. No one's keeping score here. We have a divine animal right not to be alone. Who are we proving what to? You? Me? Your kids? Him? Its been long enough, Chrissi. You've hurt and have been hurt, as well as I. We've paid our dues. If nothing else, we have a right to a little comfort and friendship. How much trouble can we get into, hmmm?" You were very convincing.
"With you?", giggling I whispered, "probably more than I dare to think of."
"You're crazy" You shook your head as I looked at you, laughing, trying to will myself to say no to you, to send myself away, but everything about you was so damnably appealing.
"I came to the same conclusion myself yesterday --- that I'm crazy. Actually, it almost had me worried."
"Me too", you laughed again. "Everything about you has me worried."
"Stranger things have happened"
"Do you want to take a shower before we head out back to your place?"
"No, I want to die." I threw myself onto the sofa, and you sat down on the egde of it, and looked at me with deep affection.
"You put yourself through an awful lot of shit. Did you know that?"
"I deserve it," I said, with tears in my eyes again. "I'm a terrible person, and one day my children will know it" and then I looked up at you with utter panic as I laid there. "You won't tell them will you? Oh my God .. my daughter will tell her friend, and she'll tell her friends... oh my God. Just kill me." I rolled over on my stomach and put my face in the pillow while you grinned at me, and leaned over to kiss my spine in little tiny bits and inches. You kissed me all the way from the top of my neck to my buttocks. And then you rubbed my back for a minute, as I rolled over slowly, with eyes that reminded you of the night before, the effect on you was impressive, and instant. I reached my arms up to you, without saying anything, and you leaned down and kissed me, wanting me more than ever.
"I love you, you crazy thing..." It had been quite a morning.
"I love you too", you whispered hoarsely, pulling me towads you, and this time I looked at you without a question.
"Wait a minute, before you walk me into another windmill, would you like to go back to the bedroom.. or would you prefer this couch?", I asked, as you gently felt my breasts, and then let your hands wander slowly downward.
"Nevermind ... it's okay ..." You were smiling at me, and I laughed softly.
"You say that now... but what about later?" I whispered.
"You may have to make love to me again, just to calm me down ... I think it has a soothing effect... it's very therapeutic ..." I said, reaching out for you, and touching you with my lips until you moaned softly. "I love you, Letti," I said as I touched you again, gently.
"I love you too, baby," you said, as our passion took over, and the insanity of the morning was instantly forgotten